Comebacks to 15 things pesky Indian relatives say that they really shouldn’t

To men: 

Your mother is getting old now. It’s time you got married!

  • How does getting married help my mother from getting old?
  • Do you think I’ll marry a girl and make her a nurse? Or marry a nurse and make a wife of her? Seriously, what is the idea behind it?

To women: 

The way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Learn how to cook and you will rule his heart.

  • In that case, the chefs at McDonald’s and KFC have a better chance to marry my man. He loves fried chicken and I love salads.
  • Take this pen and paper. Please explain with a diagram.
  • I heard your husband is having an affair with that aunty next door. How’s your good cooking skills working out now? (*relevant to those having affairs)
  • You see, my man figured out the way to my heart through my stomach. So we’re swapping tables now.

To men/women: 

It’s time you got married! Your parents are getting old now.

  • Do you mean, what if they die without seeing me get married to someone you plan to choose for me?
  • How about they skip seeing me get married and then divorced?

To couples

It’s time you had a child. You aren’t getting any younger.

  • Hmmm! I’m actually not ready to have a child and screw him/her up like you did. So I’m waiting out.
  • Since I don’t plan to have any biological children, I might adopt. Would you still be asking questions then?

To newly married women

Didn’t your mother teach you how to cook?

  • No, I hate cooking and sometimes, even eating. So we skipped that episode completely.
  • No, my father cooks better and my mother drives better.
  • No, we ordered in.
  • No, we always had a cook.
  • No, we didn’t give a shit!
  • No, I thought my husband would.

To newly married men: 

Don’t forget your mother because of a wife.

  • You mean the way you made your husband forget his mother?
  • She’s my wife, not amnesia.
  • Nobody will forget anyone until you remind us of it.
  • We’ll try to forget you, so we don’t forget the important ones in our life.

In general: 

Daughters-in-law should touch the feet of their elders every morning and on every festival.

  • And what happens then?
  • Do sons-in-law drive over to his in-laws as well or do they come over each morning for the counterpart ceremony?
  • (*yawn*) Pass!

To mothers: 

It’s the mother who must shape the children and train them to be good.

  • The sperm never said that to the egg!
  • Then, let us skip the father’s surname too.
  • And what will fathers do? Wait till something goes wrong so he can blame her?
  • Wish it was only the mother who gave birth too!

You must feed him/her this/that and then burp him/her. You mustn’t do this/that.

  • Go rest! You’ve talked a lot.

Everything is about your child now. You can say goodbye to yourself.

  • You mean, so that I can become jobless and over-concerned about others like you in a few years and give unsolicited advice to them?

To single girls: 

Don’t be friends with divorced women. They might discourage you from marrying.

  • I’m already discouraged, thanks to you.
  • They are divorced, not contagious.
  • I have a mind of my own, thank you.

To single boys: 

Be careful of divorced women. They prey on single men so they can trap you.

  • Jeez, thanks! I lost my brain, so I had to listen to you.
  • As a matter of fact, I am dating one. Pssst, I trapped her!
  • Actually, they’re one level up in the game. Divorced women know what not to do in a relationship to make it work.

To children: 

Always respect elders.

  • Even if they are wrong?
  • Which kind – the ones with the pants on, or without?
  • Does respect mean shutting up?
  • And, who’ll respect me?

Study hard. We have our hopes pinned on you.

  • Why? Are your own children dead?
  • And I have my hopes pinned on you taking a vacation!
  • Hopes for me to do what for you?

To elders:

You’re so nice, people take you for a ride.

  • People like you?
  • You’re too young to know what’s nice!
  • That’s cute!

You should take care of your health.

  • I am. So, I need you to leave now.

 

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