Your mother is getting old now. It’s time you got married!
- How does getting married help my mother from getting old?
- Do you think I’ll marry a girl and make her a nurse? Or marry a nurse and make a wife of her? Seriously, what is the idea behind it?
The way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Learn how to cook and you will rule his heart.
- In that case, the chefs at McDonald’s and KFC have a better chance to marry my man. He loves fried chicken and I love salads.
- Take this pen and paper. Please explain with a diagram.
- I heard your husband is having an affair with that aunty next door. How’s your good cooking skills working out now? (*relevant to those having affairs)
- You see, my man figured out the way to my heart through my stomach. So we’re swapping tables now.
It’s time you got married! Your parents are getting old now.
- Do you mean, what if they die without seeing me get married to someone you plan to choose for me?
- How about they skip seeing me get married and then divorced?
It’s time you had a child. You aren’t getting any younger.
- Hmmm! I’m actually not ready to have a child and screw him/her up like you did. So I’m waiting out.
- Since I don’t plan to have any biological children, I might adopt. Would you still be asking questions then?
To newly married women:
Didn’t your mother teach you how to cook?
- No, I hate cooking and sometimes, even eating. So we skipped that episode completely.
- No, my father cooks better and my mother drives better.
- No, we ordered in.
- No, we always had a cook.
- No, we didn’t give a shit!
- No, I thought my husband would.
To newly married men:
Don’t forget your mother because of a wife.
- You mean the way you made your husband forget his mother?
- She’s my wife, not amnesia.
- Nobody will forget anyone until you remind us of it.
- We’ll try to forget you, so we don’t forget the important ones in our life.
Daughters-in-law should touch the feet of their elders every morning and on every festival.
- And what happens then?
- Do sons-in-law drive over to his in-laws as well or do they come over each morning for the counterpart ceremony?
- (*yawn*) Pass!
It’s the mother who must shape the children and train them to be good.
- The sperm never said that to the egg!
- Then, let us skip the father’s surname too.
- And what will fathers do? Wait till something goes wrong so he can blame her?
- Wish it was only the mother who gave birth too!
You must feed him/her this/that and then burp him/her. You mustn’t do this/that.
- Go rest! You’ve talked a lot.
Everything is about your child now. You can say goodbye to yourself.
- You mean, so that I can become jobless and over-concerned about others like you in a few years and give unsolicited advice to them?
To single girls:
Don’t be friends with divorced women. They might discourage you from marrying.
- I’m already discouraged, thanks to you.
- They are divorced, not contagious.
- I have a mind of my own, thank you.
To single boys:
Be careful of divorced women. They prey on single men so they can trap you.
- Jeez, thanks! I lost my brain, so I had to listen to you.
- As a matter of fact, I am dating one. Pssst, I trapped her!
- Actually, they’re one level up in the game. Divorced women know what not to do in a relationship to make it work.
Always respect elders.
- Even if they are wrong?
- Which kind – the ones with the pants on, or without?
- Does respect mean shutting up?
- And, who’ll respect me?
Study hard. We have our hopes pinned on you.
- Why? Are your own children dead?
- And I have my hopes pinned on you taking a vacation!
- Hopes for me to do what for you?
You’re so nice, people take you for a ride.
- People like you?
- You’re too young to know what’s nice!
- That’s cute!
You should take care of your health.
- I am. So, I need you to leave now.